From Up Above

I grew up going to a Catholic church. I can honestly say I not once did I ever pay attention. I never had the attention span to listen. It came down to the point where I thought everyone in church were overly dramatic "praising" God and who went home. Before my Quincenera, I had to make my confirmation and HAD to attend church every Sunday. Once I received my confirmation I didn't step in church for a long time.

I came to college and I was struggling emotionally. I felt I needed church. It was a different feeling than what I had felt when I was younger. Since my family is Catholic I went to Catholic churches. But the problem of paying attention was still hard. Trying to be "faithful" to attend church every Sunday was hard. I probably went once in a whole semester. I thought maybe I'm "too tired" with all my school work. Excuses. . .

Once I got with Daniel, he and his parents invited me to his church. A Christian church. This was a different experience. I secretly liked it. I liked it more than I had ever liked one of my Catholic churches.

I criticized his church over littles things. "I hate when he yells in the microphone because it hurts my ears." I thought it was "wrong." I grew up Catholic, I'm supposed to STAY "Catholic."
I would see people cry and throw themselves on the floor praying so hard. It was something I had never seen before. The same thoughts I had when I was younger came back. "Are they being serious or over-reacting?" I just didn't understand.
His family would pray over each other. Everyone in the house would pray at the top of their lungs (some would even cry). I was freaked out.

As I got further in college, my problems never got easier. My relationship was rocky, my grades were low, I had no concentration. Something was missing from my life.

One day Daniel had a bible on the side of his bed. He was looking at it. He passed it to me and told me to start reading. I did and I liked it. It was like I was reading a Jodi Picoult book; interest just came naturally.

I remember my co-worker Terry saying at one point she attended church. So I decided to ask. She said she used to go. And I admitted to her that I was reading the bible and needed help understanding the verses. She said the one like that changed my life from there on and out:
"Oh my God Mari. I've been trying to go back to church and I didn't have anyone to go with. You're my angel sent to me. You're going to be the person to take me back."
Tears immediately filled my eyes. It was just the type of thing I needed to hear. I was going through so many emotional problems I didn't even know who I was anymore. She invited me to attend church with her and I agree I would go.

As soon as the worship team began singing, I began crying. I had NEVER EVER cried in church. It was a feeling of fulfillment. It was a feeling of relief. And then the pastor says to the people, "if you're a first time guest please raise your hand. Remember you're not here my coincidence, God brought you here." I have been different about God ever since.

I now go up to the alter raise my arms and cry as I pray. I now know it was never an overreaction. It was about connecting with God and understanding the power he has. I have been to Bethel every Sunday since. I have witnessed answered prayers and blessings since the moment I gave myself to God.

I am a believer.

The Past

We have been together for a year and eight months, soon to be nine. I could describe our relationship as, I suppose, a good one. We started out differently. We would constantly argue and disagree in the beginning, but it really turned out well. We have a connection that is stronger than it had ever been. It's kind of funny how it was so rocky but turned out so strong. Doesn't it normally go the other way around?

As we were having a good conversation, the past came up. The truth is, during our talking period, he was still seeing his ex-girlfriend. Of course to him it was not anything wrong because we weren't "official." But the TRUTH is, IT IS NOT RIGHT! There are certain things you don't do to people:

1.) YOU DON'T GO TO YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE THEN TO "THE GIRL YOU'RE TALKING TO" HOUSE!
It is just not right! Now, knowing that he actually did that to me hurts me so much. I don't give a damn that we weren't together and I don't give a damn that it was in the past. How can you really do that to somebody?!?

Are my morals that different? The moment I knew I wanted to be with him, I cut everybody off. I made him my priority and the only guy who got my undivided attention. I can remember like yesterday waiting for the phone to ring and to see him name on the caller ID. I don't think I could have the heart to "play" someone.

I really do love this boy to death. He has helped me in so many ways. But I also know the things I stood up for got pushed aside for him. It bothers me so much. There are things I said I would never put up with and now I put up with. And it's not that I want to put up with it, but it's that I put up with it for him. Because I have let so many things slide, if I try and stand my ground, it turns into a bigger argument. . .